HOW TO SQUAT BIG-TIME.

Have you always wanted to be one of those feared monsters in the gym, but never knew the secret? Have people cover their eyes in fear when you walk past, see little scrawny guys scurry away from the fountain when you grunt, or have an entourage follow you around to watch every lift, in absolute awe? Well, you’ve got to squat and here’s the guide to ensure the fastest growth in your gym prowess. (Meatheads need not apply).

For your initiation day at the gym (the one that will set you on your way to monsterhood), you should have ready the following: chalk (find some that makes the biggest cloud after you clap your hands together). Powerlifting belt- 4-6 inches on the back. The biggest buckle and prongs you can find. Knee wraps. Get ones that take about 5 minutes to wrap. Get a crew cut, it makes you look bigger. Walk around like you got barrels under your arms, the bigger the better.

Step 2: The Walk.

Go to the squat rack, and nothing but the rack. You must find the most direct line, even if that means walking over a bench press or through a conversation between monsterheads. Don’t be intimidated. You’re going to earn their respect today. If any-one talks to you, you must ignore them, with your eyes fixed on the rack. Don’t trip over anything as this won't look good.

When you arrive at the rack, if there’s a skinny guy doing squats, push him over and say "Get outta here, rat!" Make sure he gets hurt when he falls. If there’s a big guy , then hang off a while, but make sure your lats are flexed ‘til they cramp, and in complete view of the gym.

Now that you have your own rack, it’s important to get some attention. Drop your gear near the rack as loudly as possible, so that the belt prongs hit something metallic. Slap the supports of the rack with the side of your hands without getting a bruise. Pick up your belt and cinch it up as tight as you can. Tighten until you have a 20 inch waist. Contrasting with your 40 inch chest, you now have an impressive v-taper, just like the pros. Throw on a pair of 45s. Make sure you throw them on as hard as you can without losing your balance. Next, put on your wraps and double-check your belt. Now, toss on another pair. This isn’t good enough for them, throw on another pair. Now we’re getting some looks, so fling on another 90. When the clamour of weights begins to die, yell at somebody nearby, "Hey you, fetch me a couple more plates." You will probably see even the biggest guys in the gym looking out of the corners of their eyes, suppressing their awe. If only Yates could see you now.

This is a crucial step. Pick some skinny kid nearby and ask him quietly "Can I borrow you for a moment?" Walk back to the bar, and wait for him to come near. If all goes to plan, he’ll say "Do you want a spot?" Bingo! Make sure you yell the rest of this so loud that everyone can hear: "You...spot me? HAHAHAHAHA! You couldn’t spot a fly if it hit you in the eye." Immediately, pick out one of the biggest guys and say, "Hey bro, got a sec for a quick spot?" You have boosted his ego, so chances are he’ll do it. IF not, then come up with a good joke about his clothing and pick somebody else (not the deep squatter though). Reach for your chalk, and rub it across your palms, shoulders, and neck. Occasionally say, "Piece of cake", "What a joke", or "Now we’re cooking". Finally, smash your hands together, but make sure there’s a hefty quantity of chalk in the cup of your hands before they hit. This will make sure it that it all explodes into the air. You want the POW camp extras in the aerobics area to be struck with fear by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising over the rack. This should bring over another couple of extra spectators.

Now that you’re wrapped, chalked, belted, and have an audience, it’s time to get on with your lift. Walk back up to the bar, again, slap your hands on the bar, and very quickly duck under the bar and smash your shoulders into it. This should make the cage rattle with the weight. Make sure the spotter is close behind you, because it’s important that he obscures you from the crowd. You want them to hear your lift not see it. When ready, stand, and walk out with a grunt. Now, bend your knees and go down 2 inches. Try to roar from the bottom of your stomach in a series of pitches making it sound like you’re going through a series of different levels of agony. Your last note should be unpleasantly loud and should crescendo with you throwing the bar back on the pins. Most people will think you came up from parallel, and the spotter should make it difficult to see.

If you’ve injured yourself, don’t cry until you’ve left the gym. Ignore the spotter. If he starts to say something about the depth, yell over the top of him, "What kind of LOUSY spot was that?" To anything he says after that, just laugh him off immediately. Exit the gym by the same route you took to get in. Do not remove your belt and remember those barrels.